I wasn't going to write until I was ready. There's been too much on my mind, not enough time to properly give it any voice, and honestly, I'm just bone tired most of the time.
It's been a difficult few months living without my husband. The separation is ALMOST at an end. So close I can practically touch it. And I'm giddy.
This single mom gig is… well… I really appreciate the single parents who have to go it alone. I really don't know how they do it. Yes, I have lived several times without my husband for extended periods of time. Almost every military spouse has done the same. But I always know that there is an end at some point. It's what keeps me going most days.
I live a life in which I have no control. For a control freak like me, that's difficult.
Steven retires from the Marine Corps in two months. That means the paycheck ends. I try not to think about that because I'm confident that a new job is just a matter of time. Still, some days my stomach rebels at the idea that we don't have it locked on. That my safety net is missing.
Add to that the fact that I've been without my "things" for over five months. You never have a full appreciation for what you hold of value until it's gone. I mean, it's weird, I have a couch to sit on and a table to eat at, but it's not my couch or my table and after a few months of that the nomad mentality starts to rot my brain.
I hate limbo.
There's been a lot of crazy things to deal with all by my myself. Oddly, all of them revolve around Bekah.
She has a chalazion in her eyelid that we've been seeing a doctor about for going on three months. Finally (LONG story in itself) we got in to see the opthamologist and now we're trying another round of steroids. I really hope that it gets rid of it because surgery is the last option. Either way, it's going to be several months of care and I have to take her in for an appointment every two weeks.
And then there are her teeth. She has adult teeth cutting out the roots of other adult teeth. ARG. People, really, this has to happen now? When you retire from the military orthodontic care lapses for a year. A YEAR. So whatever the lovely procedures we're going to be required to do is all out of pocket.
Not that I'm not going to pay it because… Hello, the girl needs teeth. ;)
It's just too much to handle sometimes. Especially without backup.
AND THEN Seth comes home last night with a massive project that is due right before Thanksgiving. I'm sure at any other time I would have reacted like: eh, cool, we'll get it done. But not this time. I read the paper and started to tear up. It's just too much.
Is it no wonder that I still haven't finished the manuscript I started in January? I've been trying to give myself a break about that. At times I think it's taking me a pathetic amount of time. But then, I have to pull myself away and look at reality. I simply can not do everything. Something has to give a little. In this case, I guess it's my writing.
And if it's not obvious, I'm certainly not participating in NaNo this year. As it is I can barely manage to shower (haha). So I don't need anything more on my plate, thankyouverymuch. I do wish you all luck.
That is why I've been quiet on the internet. It probably won't change in the next month. If I make it to December, or perhaps January, things should quiet down. I hope.
Until then, I wish you all the best. I'll see you when I see you.
Halloween Costumes 2013
The Hulk and Lagoona Blue, daughter of the Kraken.