Thursday, September 16, 2010

The Long and Short

I've been trying to write this post for three weeks. I've started it any number of ways and then:

*delete* *delete* *delete*

Sometimes I struggle with how transparent I want to be on this blog. I tread through the murky waters of what's too much to tell, etc. I want to be interesting. And I want to be honest and I don't want to be depressing.

The truth is, I've been having a really hard time with writing.

There I said it. I mean, it really should be obvious. I've all but abandoned this blog and I'm not present on Facebook much. And twitter? What's that. ;)

It's not the act of writing, per say. I'm not suffering from a block. The words would flow, if I wanted them to. In a way I do want them to, but...

See? There's always that infamous "but."

I got too caught up. Involved in other peoples success. At some point my happiness for others turned to jealousy.

I'll admit it. Jealousy is natural, I suppose. It's not productive, though.

And then there's the crux of my crisis: Where am I as a writer?

For years I've felt like I was a YA author. It's in the title of this blog. I love YA. Let's be honest, though, it's not like I've been uber successful at it. I have to question myself as to why not.

YA has never come as naturally to me as writing, say, a paranormal romance or urban fantasy. But the stories that were choosing me all ended up very YA. It's the type of story I naturally gravitate toward writing, though the voice is not.

A quandary, all right.

On one hand I have a YA MS that is pretty close to being there. I do need another rewrite (one that I'm not looking forward to, but can be done). On the other, is pursuing YA what I really want? It's certainly not the only genre I love.

I was never any good with changing the labels I chose to wear. Not that I haven't changed labels before. This seems harder somehow. It has put me in a space that is undefinable for me at the moment.

That's not all I have going on right now either. There's a lot of other persnickety things that have cropped up in my personal life.

I've given myself a timeout. I stopped reading (most) blogs, stopped twittering, Facebooking, blogging. I've spent an inordinate amount of time playing WoW (such mindless fun! when I'm not being ganked by 80s.) and reading.

I'm just about there, I think. I've gotten the self-doubt under control and the joy of creating back. I want to write again which is most important, I think.

However, I'm still struggling. And will probably continue to struggle for a while.

There you go. Honesty. I feel a little better now.

7 comments:

  1. I have nothing to offer other than just keep writting. You are an amazing writer and you shouldn't let jealously or envy get in the way of that. You could always create your own label for yourself - Heather L. Hansen: THE MOST AWESOME WRITER EVER
    You have to use all caps because everything in all caps is true!

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  2. Pull the sheets back 'Honesty' is not easy, but truly the only way to go. I admire you for it! Keep searching for the niche that suits you best...and is a joy to write. It's out there waiting for you!

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  3. Hang in there, Heather, and enjoy the down time. I think we all need that as writers sometimes, because so much of what we do burns mental and emotional energy as fuel.

    It's not advice really, but I will say that as an author who loves multiple genres both for reading and writing, it wasn't until I stopped fighting against my own voice that I really hit my stride and stopped being burned out as much. I could write a lot of different things pretty well, I think. What I'm doing now though is my natural voice and it's not only stronger but somehow just... less taxing?

    Anyhow.

    Grind away. Once you have your own 80, you'll have nothing to fear.

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  4. Hang tough girl. Maybe you should try to write without the label? Just as an exercise and see where it gets you. Just write, for yourself, for fun. Write what comes to you whether its YA acceptable or not, don't pay attention to it. Maybe you'll find you niche without trying. Just an idea.
    Hope you get back to feeling good about you again soon!

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  5. *Hugs*

    It's hard to be honest, but it's good to put it out there. You needed the break, considering the trials you've been through and the changes you might be making. No matter what happens, you've got our support.

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  6. As a different kind of artist, I understand where you are coming from. Hang in there! Sounds like you've got a lot of great support and advice from some really great peers. I look forward to reading your best-seller some day!

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  7. We're here as always to support you in whatever you decide to do. Even when you get ganked by 80s (I have NO idea what this means).

    You're a writer. Period. No matter what category or label or shoe size you wear. There's truth in knowing that.

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