I know! Life lessons from WoW! Who would have thought?
My husband and I were talking about the way Seth learns. Steven said, "I just wish he had more confidence. He can do it, but he's afraid to fail. And to him failing is worse than not learning something."
I had to stop him. "Yeah, but I'm exactly the same way. If I don't know how to do something I don't try because I don't want to look stupid."
"I know," he said, giving me that look that meant he'd like me to try to change as well.
I really thought about how I've essentially taught Seth, through actions, this behavior. Which is not the greatest, I'll admit. And I've decided that I'm going to start trying new stuff. I don't plan on jumping out of an airplane any time soon, so instead I decided to tackle the one thing that scares the pee out of me: playing a dungeon in WoW.
Now, of course, I've been run through the lower-level ones. But I wasn't really playing them. I was being run through for the EXP. That's not a big deal.
What scares me is actively playing and being judged on how well I do my job. I've never felt confident that I knew how to play well enough to hold my end. And really, if everyone wiped because of me, I'd feel like a complete idiot. Trust me, they do tell you how dumb you are. These 12-yr-olds can kick my butt six ways to Sunday on this game. I always hit that panic mode and forget what I'm supposed to be doing!
Everyone who plays is probably shaking their heads right about now at the fact that playing an instance scares me. Because it's pretty much the point of the game.
I decided (after much agonizing debate) that I was going to try a dungeon. Granted, it was on my hunter, and if there is anything easy to play it's that and Steven went in with me the whole time. Thank god, because I was seriously confused and his "dismiss your pet," "focus on XXX boss" and "GOD, HEATHER, DO NOT RELEASE!" really helped me.
But still, I was sick to my stomach the entire time, shaking and I nearly threw up afterwards. The three more dungeons since the first haven't made me feel any better or more knowledgable. I wouldn't even consider going in by myself at this point. And HELL NO, I'd never do it with my shaman yet, with or without him.
I am making progress, though.
What does this have to do with writing? EVERYTHING.
I live in fear in a lot of ways when it comes to my writing. Am I good enough? Is this novel worth writing? Editing? Am I writing in the right genre? Can I write in another genre?
Etc. Etc. ETC.
My default answer is to walk away from the new, unproven thing and go back to what I've been comfortable with. Like knocking my head against a wall, repeatedly.
I am trying something new. But, geez, it's hard. Not the writing part -- the internal part. I wish I could turn that part of my brain off.